So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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