Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
