And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
