his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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