I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
