The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
