you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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