toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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