And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
