Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
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The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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