My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize