smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
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I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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