my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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