i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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