Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
