I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
