do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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