____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
