I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
