Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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