there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
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Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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