i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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