you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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