i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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