you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Green mimosas i think yes
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
