I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
