walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My vagina is officially offended.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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