She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
