He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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