I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
