So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Even my vagina gasped.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We are all done wearing pants today
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
