you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
