i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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