Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
