We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
