i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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