I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
