Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
