My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
