no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
