Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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