our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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