I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's not a walk of shame if you run
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
