I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I am naked and annoyed.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
