just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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