I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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