You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
