i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
