So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
