I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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