Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
