There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
