your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
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You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
this is an emotional support booty call
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Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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