They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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