she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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