Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
