I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
