so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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